The darkness had dawned (some 14 years ago)
In that moment all strength had gone, I was crippled, the darkness had dawned in the very core of me and I fell to the floor weeping.
I had been crying for days, the loss was too much, I was left alone, there was nobody left and I had this child, this beautiful child to guide and feed and psychologise and love but I had nothing left. The dream was over.
But this day the grief took hold and I lay in fetal position for an hour in the hall way, a spontaneous weakness, a dark crippling uncontrollable loss of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual control. I fell. Weeping.
Like mini visions between the space of my wretched tears, my entire life flashed before me. I saw every decision, every interaction and every relationship I had ever endured.
I felt each emotion they invoked, I saw their meaning, like a shadow in the backdrop of the activity. Confronted by the stark reality of their truth.
On the fourth hour I began to call to God/Goddess/Universe (who I had abandoned 20 years prior in my adolescence), screaming for answers. This seemed futile, and finally upon the breath I asked in reverence for forgiveness.
My breath took me over and silence filled me. I called out for truth “Please give me truth, please I will do whatever it takes.” There was a whisper in my ear “you don’t want the truth, it is hard journey, much suffering will occur, you will have to let go, you will have to show yourself”
I spoke back with confidence and determined plea “I want surrender, I want truth, I want to find my soul. I want to live in the ordinariness of truth. I will do whatever it takes. Anything is better than this.”
Suddenly I was filled with a spontaneous light. A white light had filled my entire body and surrounded me. My mind activity completely ceased and I was laying there in peace and utter stillness.
Colours started filling my vision, strange prisms and circles and spurts of illuminated patterns. No thoughts, just these beautiful and somehow meaningful colours.
The face of Buddha appeared, then Jesus, then Allah, then Mary Magdaline, Yoganunda. and many others that I was not familiar with, but who were like au fait strangers. And so began the paradox of awakening and truth.
Each face presenting itself to me then moving into my mind and flowing into my body. There was no intellectual recognition, it was just occurring. No judgement, no analysis just a spaciousness, a peace that was expansive and still.
My mind started to return. It told itself that madness had taken me. That I had finally lost the plot. That those who had left me had been sane to do so. That those that had come before me stating ‘you’re crazy’, you’re weird, you’re so different” had been right all along.
But something was different in me, some connectedness to this madness, an acceptance. So I decided in that moment to allow my madness to come forward, “they ain’t seen nothing yet” , To embrace it and to let it pore out of me. I’d held it in too long.
I went to the computer and Googled ‘meditation” I downloaded a free trial meditation from a place called Centrepoint in America. I listened to it straight away. Immediately I went back into that state of spaciousness, the pure light and no thought. I felt deep intense peace.
I then looked up all the Ascended Masters and Gods and discovered that the ones I had seen in my visions where tangible – their pictures sat before me on the computer like a daydream. Lakshmi, Athena, Isis, Rumi. I felt a union with my so called madness.
I decided I was going to be celibate and alone for one year and dedicate myself to meditation and inner enquiry and to be the most loving, strong and available person to my daughter and all those that came into my life from then on.
And there followed an extraordinary opening, an awakening and an adventure of love and nature and bonding and discovery and perpetual healing that I could never have before imagined.
Needless to say it was transcendental but wrapped in the ordinary, coated in the intensity of pain and joy; an experience of deeper loving, releasing of anger and shedding, shedding of the ego – this madness that I had been so connected to.
And here the real story begins…to be continued…
The Dark Night of the soul is a time of spiritual cleansing – it happens to many on the path at some stage and it it can happen more than once. its a dark process where the soul seems to leave as the battle of the ego fights for control – Here is a couple of really good articles to help describe further 🙂
Take a look at an interview with Dr Sally Adnams Jones about transformation and healing through creativity. Hopefully it will soothe your soul.
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